If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.217. If life hands you lemons, break out the tequila!368. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.85. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.13. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.208. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.14. But I think it’s Colin.220. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.105. Overview: 10 one-liners that fit into a tweet. He said okay, you’re ugly too.67. 1. Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.272. He’s all right now.282. Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable…like a coma.209. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.72. What we need is idiot control.64. Be safety conscious. Archeologist: someone whose carreer lies in ruins.156. Others whenever they go.65. So if you\'re ready for a good laugh check out these one liners hand-picked by us! Canadians are more polite when they are being rude than Americans are when they are being friendly.279. The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.357. A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.213. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.88. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.10. Are they afraid someone will clean them?131. Funny One Liners by Rodney Dangerfield Share PINTEREST Email Print Images Press / Getty Images Performing Arts.
I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”179. Got two minutes to spare? I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.59. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.125. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.57. Sex is not the answer. A happy pit bull.228. If you use *.txt on the command line, it'll look for a … Some people hear voices.. I don’t suffer from insanity. Or my older brother Colin. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.270. This isn’t an office. Thanks for creating this awesome resource, JAM, and RJW! We'd love to know a bit more about our readers. Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.248. The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.154. Clinton lied. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.62. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.243. By subscribing, you agree to the terms of our These funny one liners are as pithy as they are funny. It was love at first sight. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.201. Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.139. You do not need a parachute to skydive. I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.77. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.338.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.291. The difference between in-laws and outlaws? The only difference between the people I’ve dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.337. I sometimes go to my own little world, but that’s okay, they know me there.260. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. I have all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.148. Lite: the new way to spell “Light,” now with 20% fewer letters!204.
But it's always important to talk to a dermatologist about any medical concerns you may have.Remember to visit a dermatologist once you've completed the quiz, and talk to them about your answers.Remember to visit a dermatologist once you've completed the quiz, and talk to them about your answers. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. 1. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. It’s not how good your work is, it’s how well you explain it.265. A hard thing about a business is minding your own.371. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.262. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. Drink coffee! It fascinates me. The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.244. Click Sign up for the Thought Catalog Weekly and get the best stories from the week to your inbox every Friday.You may unsubscribe at any time.
90% of the things I worry about never happen.75. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.328. For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.188. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.21. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.29. Uncles” – Unknown. If I’d shot you sooner, I’d be out of jail by now.225. Enjoy laughing out loud to all these hilarious one liners.
All the winners are from Earth.173.
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