24. The rest I spent foolishly.” “I was going to sue for defamation of character, but then I realized I have no character.” “I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food.
But so is thunder and lightning.” “My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” “Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you love.” “Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” “All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” “When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn’t matter who’s president.” “Part of [the $10 million] went for gambling, horses, and women. Explore our collection of motivational and famous quotes by authors you know and love. If you want to laugh, even more, take a look at these “According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Best Sarcastic Quotes images | Sarcastic, Funny quotes. ‘ This message will self-flush … Then by all means follow that path.” —“There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.”― Andy Simmons is a features editor at Reader's Digest. Page 1 of 11: Page 1 … '”“If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.” “It is better to live one day as a lion than 100 years as a sheep.” “The lion shall lie down with the calf, but the calf won’t get much sleep.”“I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist.” “My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the “I won’t go into a big spiel about reincarnation, but the first time I was in the Gucci store in Chicago was the closest I’ve ever felt to home.” “I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.” “It’s really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.” “Bigamy is having one husband too many. Read through these funny quotes and memorize a few to help lighten the mood when it’s needed. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Good.” —“Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.” —“The trouble with this country is that there are too many people going about saying, ‘The trouble with this country is …’” —When a fan asked Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart for tips on writing symphonies, the composer is said to have suggested, “Begin with some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony.” “But Herr Mozart,” replied the fan, “you were writing symphonies when you were eight.” “Yes,” said Mozart. Number two is death. Be careful because after reading these epic quotes … You’re going to get it anyway.”“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Want to stimulate your brain and laugh at the same time? “We all know someone who speaks fluent shit.”. Epic Quotes is a curated platform built to enable digital story telling via the medium of quotes as ‘micro fiction’ or ‘nano tales’ for everyday consumption. ‘Just not these four. Connelly, running his own hand over his head, remarked, “So it does!” If you need a break from laughing at the funniest quotes ever, check out these Leonard Nimoy was asked by a woman, “Are you aware that you [as Spock] are the source of erotic dream material for ladies around the world?” Nimoy’s reply: “May all your dreams come true.”“You know there’s a problem when you realize that out of the three Rs, only one begins with an R.” “To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.” “She loves nature in spite of what it did to her.” “Can you imagine a world without men? “But I never asked anybody.” Now that you know the funniest quotes of all time, memorize these “Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door.” —“Nothing inspires cleanliness more than an unexpected guest.” —“From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.” —“Everybody wants to save the earth; no one wants to help mom do the dishes.” —“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.” —“A bad review may spoil your breakfast, but you shouldn’t allow it to spoil your lunch.” —Kingsley Amis“We dream of having a clean house — but who dreams of actually doing the cleaning?” “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. 23. Unless the job is a statistician.” —“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.” —“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” —“I love deadlines. '” “Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired.” “Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.” “When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” “I admit that I live in the past, but only because housing is so much cheaper.” “I recently asked a student where his homework was.
"You have to be doing things that matter - responsibility, but also responsibility with epic and beautiful and noble tasks." Death is number two. '” “One of my biggest fears is that I’ll marry into a family that runs 5Ks on holidays.” “Mapquest really needs to start its directions on number five.
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